Like the prehistoric TV shows The Real World and Singled Out, the McKibbin lofts are now enforcing a strict age cutoff that limits anyone over 25 from moving in on either side of the shudder-inducing street. The unprecedented move, which is being implemented by the Committee to Promote Ageism in Bushwick, comes at a time when the neighborhood is becoming especially tame, and therefore losing its appeal to the young’uns.
“Like all moves, this one is strategic,” noted the head of the committee, Loryn Gerontophobe, a 19-year-old who helped ban Madonna from BBC Radio 1. “The thirty-something exodus has been helpful, but it’s not enough. Olds are still coming back here after their thirties and having babies and shit. This is not okay. Maybe people think I’m a bitch or whatever, but I’m doing this to preserve Bushwick’s edge.”
Gerontophobe’s ability to instate this law, of sorts, stems from her ability to control the landlord through his cock. “Let’s just say Hasids have a thing for me. And no one over 25 is getting through those buildings from here on in.” Telltale signs of age include speaking in complete sentences, listening to early 00s music and going to a movie theater to see a movie. If you want any prayer of sneaking in to the McKibbin (’cause, let’s be honest, that’s still where all the best drugs are), you will avoid these behaviors.
Written by Genna Rivieccio