Straws, that ever controversial subject that can lead to horrendous flashbacks to the straw shortage of 2014, has cropped up again. The use of straws in every bar from the “high-brow” Mood Ring to the latest attempt at an answer to replacing Wreck Room, makes it difficult to imagine a Bushwick world without them, particularly since it’s a world so caught up in literally sucking down alcohol.
And yet, in the allegedly environmentally conscious world we live in (minus the part where Hoggish Greedly is running our country), reports of straws’ detriments to marine life in the waters surrounding New York and New Jersey have not yet deterred Bushwick’s alcoholics from wrapping their lips around them both daily and nightly.
Yet when a group of animal rights advocates teamed up with Adrian Grenier, one of many celebrities forced to move to lesser elegant parts of Brooklyn like Christina Ricci, to start protesting bars that use straws and present patrons with literature about whales and other cute sea animals accidentally choking on random pieces of plastic mistaken for plankton, it got local girls (the kind who celebrate Singles’ Day) all atwitter. “Now I just won’t even drink liquid of any kind at all, I feel so guilty. And to be honest, there’s really no point in drinking without a straw. It’s just too much work,” stated Chirpers regular Mara Labarro, a 24-year-old who has since become completely constipated. Even after trying to unclog with a Scorpio sexual encounter. But hey, we all have to make sacrifices for the children we don’t want to have’s future.
Written by Genna Rivieccio