Brooklyn’s unspoken competition with Portland for most chillaxed place for twenty-something retirees has finally come to a head. What with the slump in Portlandia quality and a recent school shooting (maybe so recent it’s “too soon” to talk about), Brooklyn–and Bushwick in particular–has finally decided to take a stand against everything Portland stands for: Craft beer.
The protest against craft beer imported from Portland (because, yes, it is a separate country) began yesterday around 10 p.m.–prime bar time. It began when a drag queen named Eugenia Oregonia started slurring at other patrons, “I’m not supporting Portland anymore. In fact, I’m changing my name to California.”
No one was really sure what set Oregonia off over Portland, but other drinkers in the bar misinterpreted her ire to mean an all-out protest against Portland in the only way they knew how: Ceasing to drink craft beer as a symbolic gesture. Already, a noticeable dip in sales has occurred, particularly at Brooklyn’s Natural and Hops & Hocks. The Burning Bush suspects that Bushwick won’t be able to stand up against the pressure of a life without craft beer for very long though. We give the protest until the weekend to last.
Written by Genna Rivieccio