If you haven’t already heard, Arrogant Swine was recently robbed straight from the safe, causing an immediate police probe into who the culprit might be. After a few false starts, it finally became evident that the culprit is (or rather, was) an ex-employee from nearby pancake house, Stacked.
The man in question, Salvador Tortita, a 35-year-old dishwasher who had held a personal vendetta against Arrogant Swine after not getting hired there, was apprehended yesterday at approximately 1:05 p.m., just as the brunch crowd was reaching its peak. “They should have hired me! I could have gotten to smell meat all day instead of goddamn syrup. Smelling syrup makes you feel crazy, you know? Like you’re about to suffer from a terrorist attack.” (he obviously got this notion from season two of 30 Rock).
Although Tortita is in custody, the police have no idea as of yet where the money has been stashed. So far, Tortita claims, “I fucking soaked it in calf’s blood and burned it.” Psychologic research has revealed Tortita’s background as a butcher’s apprentice in Upstate New York, where he was told he didn’t have the correct build for the job and was then fired. His police-assigned shrink is, thus, trying to use this as a plea in his defense. In the meantime, Stacked’s business has surged in the wake of the controversy. Arrogant Swine’s, not so much.
Written by Genna Rivieccio