Where once business owner Beelzebub Capitalikst couldn’t keep enough chastity belts stocked on the shelves of her store, Chastity’s Boner, she now has to struggle with various gimmicks in order to attract people to come in now that the trend in Bushwickian abstinence has long ago ended. The latest one? Artisanal dildos, lovingly hand crafted just for your specific masturbatory needs.
Capitalikst told The Burning Bush, “Yeah, I just took some of the business principles from my other store, Rammed, on the Lower East Side, and sort of extrapolated the sales trends that have been going on there and applied them to my Bushwick location.” Although the emphasis on the sale of chastity belts has diminished, Capitlikst insisted, “I will not be changing the name of the store, nor will I stop selling chastity belts, which are accessories very near and dear to my heart, as, um, I’m still a virgin.”
The Burning Bush chose to ignore this admission and instead asked Capitalikst how much she plans to retail the dildos for and if each one is made by her or different artists in the neighborhood. “Well,” she said, “At the moment, I’m thinking of pricing them at $59.99, but that may change depending on demand. I’m currently the only one making them, so they’re super special and unique. But I’m open to dildo submissions from other artists in the neighborhood. Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to inquire.”
Written by Genna Rivieccio