Artisanal Jungle Juice From Tuesday Night Party Leaves Several Dead

November 11, 2015 Comments Off on Artisanal Jungle Juice From Tuesday Night Party Leaves Several Dead 421 Parties
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We all know that, when you live in Bushwick, you’re only legitimate as a partier if you generally abstain on the weekend and bring your A-game on the weekends (it’s a Paris Hilton philosophy of living). That’s why local socialite and enfant terrible Myra Molested threw a huge bash last night that featured her signature artisanal jungle juice, the contents of which no one is entirely sure of.

Molested's artisanal jungle juice

Molested’s artisanal jungle juice

One survivor, Laurey Stronginnards, a 25-year-old who works as a rep for a liquor company, told The Burning Bush, “I think there was definitely cumin in it, but I can’t tell you much else for sure.” “Cumin? More like cum,” added another party survivor, Jenn Bender, a 26-year-old who does burlesque occasionally at Bizarre.

Elegantly presented

Elegantly presented

When Molested was asked what exactly she put in the juice, she returned, “You think I make that shit? My maid does. Ask her. And if you demand any more questions of me, you’ll need to contact my lawyer.” The aftermath of the party left six dead and three with esophageal problems. Nonetheless, Molested plans to throw another party next week. “I can’t wait to go,” admitted Stronginnards.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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