As The Burning Bush reported so long ago at the beginning of this eternal winter, Bushwickians everywhere coupled up in time to wait out the weather without having to experience the crushing loneliness of watching “it” hipster fare like Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Broad City by themselves.
However, the unexpected duration of the season has left many a local bartender extremely wary of having to see the same goddamn monogamous couples kissing in front of them as they serve up artisanal cocktails with ingredients like kombucha. “I got this one couple that always comes in, parks in the same spot at the center of the bar and starts making out immediately after they order their first round. It’s fucking disgusting and I need spring to come for real so this can all stop,” said Lemmy Masmoorder, a 29-year-old bartender at Bushwick’s Living Room.
Other bartenders have been enduring the same plight, even at places like Bossa Nova, where dancing and drugs are supposed to fend couples off (which it nearly has with the establishment’s impending transformation into a wine and cheese bar). “Even I’m in a relationship, and it sickens me. My boyfriend comes to visit me on my shift at Alphaville, which really affects how other guys tip me. I yearn for the spring so I can finally let my slut flag fly again,” complained Tama Tampon, a grudging winter monogamist.
Written by Genna Rivieccio