Board of Health & Sanitation Closes Goodbye Blue Monday For Good As A Result of Too Many People Fucking In the Bathroom On the Regular

December 1, 2014 1 591 Bars, News
Share!

Adding to the names of the many bars on The Burning Bush’s list of worst bathrooms to fuck in, Goodbye Blue Monday now joins Wreck Room in its closure (pause for moment of silence) as of this week. While rumors swirled about the real reason it shut down in the first instance, this time around, there’s no mistaking the cause of why the beloved local bar has closed.

Goodbye to camp decor forever

Goodbye to camp decor forever

Mindy Immaculada, the 44-year-old head of the Bushwick branch of the Board of Health & Sanitation, happened to catch an open mic night at the establishment after being urged to attend by her 19-year-old niece, May Nyeve, an aspiring songwriter who thought Immaculada might bring her record producer boyfriend to the show. Already horrified by the decor and uncleanliness of the main room, Immaculada was further appalled to walk in on an orgy in the bathroom.

This logo is flying straight outta Bushwick

This logo is flying straight outta Bushwick

The owner of the bar, Kurt Von Gut, admitted to The Burning Bush, “Fucking has been a bit of an issue in our bathroom. Even though it’s one of the worst bathrooms to fuck in aesthetically, there’s just so much room to move around. This could also be a part of the contaminated pussy outbreak that’s been plaguing the neighborhood.” Von Gut went on to say, “Maybe this is all for the best. There’s really no place for dive bars in this town anymore. But we had a good run while it lasted.” Now, Bushwickians living off the Myrtle-Broadway stop will just have to settle for Lone Wolf for their daily dose of alcohol. 

Written by Genna Rivieccio, who once dreamed of doing a dramatic reading of Clueless at the open mic night

 

One Comment