Brown-Haired Girls Restricted From Living in Bushwick

July 3, 2014 Comments Off on Brown-Haired Girls Restricted From Living in Bushwick 731 News, Politics

In an effort to stamp out increased signs of homogeneity, local government has put a moratorium on the number of brown-haired girls permitted into Bushwick. The directive came after the head of the Bushwick Community Board, Randy Sample, mistook his own daughter, Familiaria, for a girl he’d been having an affair with.

Sample's daughter, Familiaria

Sample’s daughter, Familiaria

A source told The Burning Bush that Sample had arranged to meet his mistress, Samantha Humdrum, at every Bushwick politician’s favorite watering hole, Narrows. Before carefully examining the face of what he thought was Humdrum, he whipped her around and kissed her on the mouth, horrified to learn that it was Familiaria. 

Sample's mistress, Samantha Humdrum

Sample’s mistress, Samantha Humdrum

The Burning Bush tried to reach all parties involved in the scandal for their take on this new injunction against brown-haired girls, but were told by Sample’s personal assistant that the trio was undergoing extensive psychoanalytic therapy at Woodhull–which may, in and of itself, result in the need for more therapy. So if you’re planning to move to Bushwick anytime soon, The Burning Bush strongly recommends a platinum or multi-tonal dye job in order to gain entry. The regulation will be strictly enforced by all Hasid landlords renting to new tenants.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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