Bushwick Artist Cannot Attend Own Launch Event as he Mistakenly Scheduled Trip to Hamptons Simultaneously

April 27, 2014 Comments Off on Bushwick Artist Cannot Attend Own Launch Event as he Mistakenly Scheduled Trip to Hamptons Simultaneously 831 Bushwick Jobs, Existential Dilemmas, News
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Area man Richard Littauer was unable to attend the launch of a new satirical web zine, The Burning Bush, for his neighborhood as he unintentionally agreed to go on a work weekend retreat in the Hamptons. “I don’t know how this could have happened to me,” he said, sipping on cognac and smoking a cigar on the deck of 2m. (2 million) dollar modernist home in Sag Harbor. “I really wish I could be there, I’m quite annoyed I was dragged away.”

Richard lives it up in the Hamptons

Richard lives it up in the Hamptons

Littauer is notorious in Bushwick for the state of his garden, where he has made artwork by dumping glass into the malnourished dirt during drunken parties, and then unironically spent the next Saturday cleaning it up, “to feel like a man,” he said. He also received a record number of shares for making a game where he drunkenly cycled around Bushwick, taking pictures of himself drinking at various bars and pointing out ‘fucking hipsters,’ which he released online from Swallow Cafe.

Richard's not so secret garden

Richard’s not so secret garden

“Really, I don’t think I fit in here”, he pointed out while at a shooting of an organic farming documentary which involved locally brewed beer and an almost-certainly English director. “I just don’t belong outside of the Jefferson stop, you know?”, he bemoaned, wearing a Zara blazer and a sweater he got on a membership discount from Rag & Bone. “I’m honestly the kind of person who likes PBRs at Secret Arcade.”

Richard could give a fuck about deck pools.

Richard could give a fuck about deck pools.

The double-booking occurred due to a mixup with his tech job building a social media site to share ideas in Flatiron, where he works in a large shared working space in which he has been invited to see Slash, Lily Cole, and Christo. “But the coffee isn’t as good there, and I wish my team members would consult me before renting retreats for the weekend. I mean, this place has a heated pool. How fucking ostentatious.”

Written by Richard Littauer

Be sure to attend the launch event that Richard can’t tonight at Mellow Pages (56 Bogart Street) starting at 5.

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