Bushwick Baby Population on the Rise

June 21, 2014 3 2037 Bars, bushwick, Hipster Commentary, Local Business, News

Clairvoyance isn’t really a necessary asset in matters of foreseeing what comes as a result of frivolous fucking. So were any of you really all that surprised to detect a recent hike in the Bushwick infant population?


We spoke with new mommy Veronica Cumover, who shed some light for us on motherhood in Bushwick. “I first discovered that I was pregnant when I went in for my routine pabst smear at Bohemian Cunts. Obviously, my initial thought was that I should just have the thing torn out of me right there. Then I realized that paying for an abortion would mean sacrificing my upcoming trip to Atlantic City and I wasn’t about to make such a rash decision. I also sure as hell wasn’t about to move to Park Slope and allow society to shove me into a conformity box just because it’s ‘better for baby.’ Hamlet is just going to have to learn to live in our world. We still aren’t certain who the father is, but it’s more than likely one of the four guys who lives at 255 Moore Street, Apartment 204. Hamlet and I have moved into their loft and all five of us are pitching in to take care of him. We’ve agreed to steer away from buying puerile, immature playing devices such as rattle dolls and stuffed animals. If Hamlet is in need of entertainment we have more than enough paints and art supplies at his convenience here at the loft.”

Baby Hamlet, fitting right into Bushwick.

Baby Hamlet, fitting right into Bushwick.

These neo-baby boomers of Bushwick, though most hardly able to walk or speak, wear a suspiciously blas√© demeanor compared to most infants, serving as pompous accessories for their ultra hip parents. Local restaurants and even bars are beginning to feel compelled under the pressure of these “parents” to make adjustments in order to accommodate what are to be their latest patrons, ordering high chairs and booster seats to add to their seating arrangements. “When I go to Wreck Room, Hamlet has to come with me, which means he’s going to need somewhere to sit too. Who the fuck is going to watch him if he stays in? Dan, Frank, Pete, Ross, and I never stay in on Friday night,” Cumover added.

Next round is on the kid.

Next round is on the kid.

While it is now even more palpable that nothing is to deter the lecherous Bushwick demographic from having unprotected sex with multiple partners, one question remains. What might this mean for the next generation of an already degenerating neighborhood?

Written by Nicole Benson

Photo Credits: mommyish.com, stylebyemilyhenderson.com, dadwagon.com, thecricketmusings.blogspot.com