Bushwick Bars Devoid of Clientele On Friday Due To Epic Continuation of New Year’s Day Hangover

January 3, 2015 Comments Off on Bushwick Bars Devoid of Clientele On Friday Due To Epic Continuation of New Year’s Day Hangover 351 News
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For the few Bushwickians that were here during the Christmas break, it was a bleak time of alcoholic solitude. However, most of them returned in time for New Year’s Eve to take part in their number one favorite pastime: drinking. Unfortunately for local bars, the excitement of being free from the clutches of their parents (it’s required to kiss their asses at least once a year in order to get sufficient funds) led to going a little too hard on the 31st.

Local Bushwickian unable to remove himself from couch

Local Bushwickian unable to remove himself from couch

The consequence? An intense hangover among each resident lasting well through New Year’s Day and into the night of January 2nd, when many bars were expecting Bushwickians to return to their A-game drinking level after a day of repose. Anise Profiteer, the 34-year-old owner of Adrenaline Shots, a new bar off Jefferson, complained to The Burning Bush, “From what I had heard about Bushwick, it seemed like the population wouldn’t have any trouble bouncing back from a hangover. That’s why I thought opening my bar on January 2nd would be a great way to start the new year in Bushwick. Turns out, everyone here’s a pussy.

The few Bushwickians who went outside on January 2nd still had to shield themselves with sunglasses

The few Bushwickians who went outside on January 2nd still had to shield themselves with sunglasses

The Burning Bush was able to communicate with a January 2nd teetotaler named Drago Malconstitution, who stated, “I felt immobile for two days after New Year’s Eve. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to go out tonight in order to compensate for missing out on Friday.” Alas, it’s a sad day when a Bushwickian can’t overcome a simple New Year’s Eve hangover to go out and continue drinking non-stop through the next year (as we all know “sober January” is a collective form of self-denial).

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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