Bushwick Burglaries Up, But Luckily, Most Residents Don’t Have Shit to Steal Anyway

February 20, 2015 Comments Off on Bushwick Burglaries Up, But Luckily, Most Residents Don’t Have Shit to Steal Anyway 1025 News
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A recent report on the surge in Bushwick robberies in the first months of 2015 has left many residents generally aloof. After all, the reason for these robberies is due to no one locking their doors, a testament to their aloofness.

Essentially what Bushwickians are saying to burglars

Essentially what Bushwickians are saying to burglars

After the reign of Whitey Swagstealer back in 2014, most of the richies in the area fled the scene, living in fear for their designer label-laden closets. Now that the only people left in the neighborhood are middle class types who can afford rent but not excess luxury, thieves attempting robberies have been disappointed in their findings: an unfurnished apartment with a bare bulb and an Acer laptop as the only thing of value. “I can’t be bothered with buying trivial things like a couch. All my money goes to the bar after I pay rent,” noted one victim of a recent burglary near Evergreen Avenue and Menahan Street.

In Bushwick, our doors--and our vaginas--are wide open

In Bushwick, our doors–and our vaginas–are wide open

One disheartened burglar, Clinton Freemoney, a 26-year-old from that part of North Carolina where Dawson’s Creek was shot, complained to The Burning Bush, “Goddamn, no one in Bushwick has shit to steal. The only things they value they keep with them at all times. I haven’t found so much as one piece of designer jewelry. I dropped out of college to pursue this career path, and now Bushwick has to ruin it with its fucking Buddhist-like existence. I’ve got mouths to feed, you know: my own.” Anyone seeking to help burglars like Freemoney succeed should go out and buy some expensive possessions, like, I don’t know, a COACH bag or something, and continue to leave the door unlocked.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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