There are a lot of Bushwick-specific medical ills, including, but not limited to, shoeless footwear, body dysmorphia and assorted STDs unheard of in other parts of the world. The latest in the series of issues stems from entering a state of drunken blacked outedness and eating pizza fresh out of the oven to support the inexplicable hunger craving that attacks you when you’re wasted. Where is this pizza coming from, you ask? Archie’s on Central Avenue.
Previously, roof of mouth burn was a mildly low statistic in the neighborhood, but when Archie’s opened, the game changed. The only other late night spot, Norbert’s, doesn’t quite have the ambience that Archie’s does (though both establishments possess the moniker of a man who was possibly born in the 40s or 50s), nor the variety of toppings selections–and when you’re drunk, toppings are surprisingly important to you. Norbert’s, however, will always have a special place in our hearts for being one of the most romantic places to go on a date in Bushwick.
As more late night pizza places open, Woodhull is planning to increase their emergency room staff by two (bear in mind the budget, after all) in order to anticipate even more severe cases of roof of mouth burn. To avoid this painful side effect of being a drunk fat ass, try to train yourself with visual cues (e.g. associate cheese with pictures of clogged arteries) that will offput you from wanting to eat while in a different dimension brought on by already drinking too much by the time it’s midnight.
Written by Genna Rivieccio