Although Kings County‘s beloved Smallest Penis Contest has been so influential that it even spawned a Smallest Labia Contest, the taste-making bar has decided to do away with the event in favor of an entirely new source of local judgment.
Like the word “hipster,” a new epithet has yet to replace the overplayed term “basic” when referring to people of a banal, vanilla nature. Nonetheless, until someone comes up with an improved moniker of derision, Kings County is billing their latest pageant as the Bushwick Mr. Basic Contest.
John Johnson, the organizer of the event, told The Burning Bush, “The entire objective of this contest is to make it impossible for any nonpartisan bystanders to be able to pick you out of a lineup. Whoever fades most seamlessly into the crowd of men on the stage wins a $50 bar tab and a gift certificate to Mary Meyer for Men.” The contest will take place Friday, April 18th at 9 p.m. So far, the shortlist of contestants includes Jim Brown, Will Jones, Mark Miller, Taylor White and Frank Asiago. And though the latter is the swarthiest among the crew–with the most noticeably ethnic name–his general look is decidedly basic by Bushwick standards: greasy hair, neutral toned garb, slouchy beanie, beard. This could make him a dark horse in the running.
Written by Genna Rivieccio