As it turns out, the creeping commercialization of Prime Bushwick is not the result of chance, but of classic, calculated real-estate opportunism. COACH, American Eagle and the Detroit Propaganda Taskforce have all been carefully curated to build up a vision that the triangle intersection of Flushing/Morgan/Wilson is Brooklyn’s answer to Times Square. As The Burning Bush previously reported, a Times Square of Bushwick has long been in the works. But now that the Fountainhead brothers have backed out of the deal, developer Flip Forprofite is the new driving force behind this micro-neighborhood of bustling, big box consumerism. “Morgantown and Jefftown ain’t got shit on Timeswick,” said the mini-mogul, who’s already purchased a URL and secured a trademark for the new hood’s yet-to-be-revealed logo (which will doubtless also be hoisted as its own billboard).
Catering to the savvy consumer who, though children of the digital age, tune out digital ads, Timeswick will be the “analog version to its big brother,” said the developer. For any hope of approval into the Timeswick Advertising District, ads must be printed or painted—no pixels allowed. “We’re raising the profile of Bushwick, making it universally lovable. People hated it in its days of high crime and people hate it today thanks to hipsters—but people always have and always will love a good can of Coke,” said Forprofite, slyly plugging the soda maker, which has thus far resisted the urge to buy ad space.
Worried about possible defacement of the big shiny ads, Forprofite left no stone unturned, no possible scenario unimagined, and enlisted the Robin Hood of street art, Zerococks, to warn other would-be vandals of the perils of stopping the anytownification of Bushwick. “I just felt it was the right thing to do,” said Zerococks, from his newly renovated, floor-spanning loft off of Flushing. Stay tuned for further “developments” as Bushwick becomes more unrecognizable.
Written by jaytoles