Bushwick Woman Finally Discovers Tinder Match is Homeless After Fifth Date

May 2, 2015 Comments Off on Bushwick Woman Finally Discovers Tinder Match is Homeless After Fifth Date 1307 bushwick, Hipster Commentary, Relationships, Sexuality, Uncategorized

Whitney Porter of Bushwick was on her fifth date with a man she had met on Tinder when she finally uncovered a critical detail about him, leaving her aghast at the fact that she could so carelessly allow herself to overlook this blatantly obvious aspect. “He said he was an artist, which is basically a given around these parts, so it was natural for me not to question his dingy/don’t-care aesthetic. It wasn’t until he asked if we could stop by his “place” to pick up some things on the way to my apartment as we were wrapping up date number five that I realized he was living on the bench in front of Brooklyn’s Natural. The guy I almost went steady with turned out to be a fucking street rat. I’m so embarrassed.”


Blindly hopeful Whitney failed to detect warning signs… 

The vagrant in question, Doyle Diazepam, came under fire last summer when he was caught on surveillance footage trying to suck his own dick, prompting him to hire a publicist in an attempt to patch up his image. “I must admit that I wasn’t exactly sober any of the times that Doyle and I hung out. I get really bad anxiety around men,” Porter explained. “Accidentally swapping bodily fluids with a homeless man is just another thing on the list of problems that I’ll need to sort out with my shrink this week. I just have to make sure that I never make this mistake again.”

Written by Nicole Benson

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