In the sleepy town of Bay Ridge, nestled between an elementary school and a library, one couple seems to be having the best sex of their life. In fact, not only is it making all of their neighbors furious with jealousy, dialing 311 at every chance they get, but it’s also putting Bushwick to shame.
Thus, one Bushwick couple, Sandra Lay and Ferdinano Rugmunchio, is attempting to take back the reputation of sex and lust Bushwick was once known for, and one that’s quickly fading away thanks to Bay Ridge couple Al B. Fukkinyoo and Kim Eetmi. Apparently, Fukkinyoo and Eetmi have been having the hottest sex in New York ever since fall of last year, when complaints of their carnal boning first began.
Sandra Lay, a 23-year-old stripper at Pumps (she was rejected from Heels), admitted, “I could hear them all the way in Bushwick. It would make me so upset, knowing that somewhere someone else was fucking more wildly than in Bushwick. Now that Fukkinyoo and Eetmi have been put on blast and I know who to approach for the challenge, I feel confident in my ability to out-noise them. And of course my boyfriend was super supportive about rising to the occasion.”
Yes, Ferdinando Rugmunchio might be more enthusiastic about this event than anyone involved. “I’m gonna pop like five capsules of Viagra and go total porno on my girl until she screams louder than a rape victim. We’re gonna take back Bushwick’s honor one multiple orgasm at a time.” The sex sound-off will be conducted at Coagulate, which is sponsoring the event in partnership with Camel cigarettes and Roberta’s, happily replenishing the couples, as well as their onlookers, with pizza slices as more energy is needed. The display will take place this Saturday beginning at 9 a.m. until someone in New Jersey reports hearing sex noises from Bushwick that either sound like a lion or a monkey (both Eetmi and Lay have agreed to mimic these respective animals in order to accurately gauge who’s being the loudest).
Written by Genna Rivieccio