Bushwickians Fear Massive Alcohol Shortage in Preparation for Blizzard

January 26, 2015 3 891 News
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There’s not a lot a Bushwickian cares about. Being maligned for skin tone? Whatever. Being accused of doing nothing apart from accepting their parents’ money? So be it. But the one thing that will shake a Bushwickian right out of his coma is the threat of limited access to alcohol. And that limited access, dear Burning Bush readers, is nigh.

Standing in line at one of the last warehouses with alcohol available

Standing in line at one of the last warehouses with alcohol available

With Winter Storm Juno about to barrel through New York City, many in the Bushwick area have already pilfered the likes of Henry’s, Big Tree Bottles and assorted other nameless liquor stores in order to ensure they get their fix while trapped inside. One particularly rich trust fund baby and occasional makeup entrepreneur, Yamanda Decadent, gave a frantic statement to The Burning Bush: “I sent my intern everywhere to buy up as much wine and hard liquor as possible, because obviously I’m not fucking with beer since my gym access is going to be limited too, but everything has been picked over. It’s like no one has respect for the rich girl’s needs anymore.”

Wine flew off the shelves at Big Tree Bottles on Bogart

Wine flew off the shelves at Big Tree Bottles on Bogart

Even the middle class has been having a hard time locating as much alcohol as they need in spite of their marked determinism in comparison to Bushwick’s upper class. A Boar’s Head trucker named Monty Meathead also complained, “All I could finagle was twenty cases of Bud Light. How am I supposed to work with that if this blizzard lasts more than two days?” The Burning Bush recommends fine-tuning your homemade wine techniques during these uncertain times. 

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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