As most Bushwick residents are aware, having to leave the vicinity at all is terrible. Going to Manhattan, hellacious. Not just because, it’s like, not a good scene for people “in the arts,” but also because you’re probably going there to work, and it’s hard to admit you work (to others, and to yourself) when you’re just trying to be a Bushwick fauxcialite.
Tragically for a handful of Bushwickians trying to get past the Lorimer stop today, they were hindered by a Williamsburgian stock broker throwing himself onto the track at Graham Avenue, preventing all passage to the promised Bushwick land. Allegedly, the man had just found out that he wasn’t approved for his condo in the former White Castle building. While his sweet release resulted in eternal pleasure in an afterworld where the L train doesn’t exist, it also caused equally as eternal pain for anyone wishing to return to a different kind of afterworld: Bushwick.
“I’m not gonna lie. I wanted to kill someone–anyone–just to transfer my rage and aggression and feel like I could somehow be in control of my own destiny,” noted longtime Bushwick resident/Flatiron office worker Trevor Square, reputed enthusiast of Bushwick’s official standard bag lunch. While a number of people attempted to shove others off the platform, no shootings or stabbings were reported, merely cries of incredulity, including, but not limited to, “How the fuck are this many masochists in the world and why are they all living in New York?”
Written by Genna Rivieccio