Bushwick’s Greatest Cocksucker Contest Attracts Unlikely Contestants

October 5, 2014 1 1828 Art, bushwick, Hipster Commentary, News, Performance Art, Sexuality
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When local douche bag Tanner Ross announced plans to hold a contest in efforts to find Bushwick’s Greatest Cocksucker, many foresaw a brand new pair of balls being added to We the Femmes’ bocce ball league. On the contrary, every single member of the local feminist group has already signed up to compete on Saturday, October 18th. As perplexed as everyone is regarding this peculiar reaction, this wouldn’t be the first time We the Femmes has elicited shock from the community.

We the Femmes during one of many protests.

We the Femmes during one of many protests.

According to the head matron of We the Femmes, Petunia Rosenthal, shoving a fat one down our gullets is the most surefire way for women to achieve world domination. “Everybody knows that men think with their penises, first and foremost. Partaking in this competition will literally mean draining the main brain, disarming the man. The logistics of such are actually quite simple.” Rosenthal encourages more women to pucker up and sign up for this “grand opportunity.”

Petunia Rosenthal and her daily regimen toward suck-cess.

Petunia Rosenthal and her daily regimen toward suck-cess.

“I can’t think of anything more empowering than the ability to truly conquer a man. The women in our group, myself included, are really looking at this as a form of art. I mean, we’re going to do the exact opposite of what everyone expects of us. I feel that a large part of female oppression is the expectations laid upon us and we seek to defy that by any means necessary.”

Tanner Ross, douche bag.

Tanner Ross, douche bag.

When we explained to Tanner Ross the motive behind We the Femmes’ joining his competition, he simply responded, “Uh, yeah. Sure. I’m excited to see how it turns out.”

Written by Nicole Benson

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