As you may have heard, Lonely Boy (Penn Badgley, for those not savvy to the Gossip Girl legacy) has been spotted in the Bushwick nexus of Morgantown in a half-assed attempt to camouflage his identity with a banal new appearance.
Sure, some are raving in excitement about our neighborhood’s latest addition, anticipating a new opportunity to achieve starfucker status, but many locals do not share the same enthusiasm. We at the Burning Bush were tipped off by an insider who claims that Badgley recently turned down a role in the upcoming season of the hit television series, Game of Thrones. “The role would have made him about 1.5 million by the end of the series, but he turned it down, opting for a more humble route. He told me that he moved to Bushwick to live a more simple life with the common people.” The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that he spoke with Penn Badgley last week at the Pine Box Rock Shop over some delicious Bloody Marys.
He has reportedly even been doling out his rather impressive, yet totally non relative résumé to local coffee shops and cafes, hoping to find work as a barista. The manager of Swallow Cafe, Rick Spits, says that they are seriously considering Badgley for the barista position opening up next week. “Penn doesn’t actually have any experience in coffee, but we still might hire him solely based on the fact that he was on television. My little sister loved him in Gossip Girl.” Not that he even needs to work at all, considering that Penn Dayton Badgley has a net worth of about 8 million. Unemployed locals, struggling to find work and barely making ends meet, are fuming with rage and irate at the notion that Penn Badgley might fill the position at Swallow that they’ve all been pining for. It looks like some Bushwick folk don’t take kindly to Penn Badgely’s type.
Starving citizens of Bushwick have good reason to be frightened and concerned by the influx of these impossible to compete with, high profile names filling into their neighborhood. Bushwick newbie Zosia Mamet of Girls, who has a net worth of 3 million, has even taken up a DJ gig for Friday nights Wreck Room as a hobby, leaving DJ Deflozopid penniless. “My Friday DJ night at Wreck Room was my only source of income,” DJ Deflozopid told us right before bursting into tears. It is something of an enigma as to why these prosperous, well known figures are venturing from Manhattan to this neck of Brooklyn to wallow in the filth of our derelict abode, posing as poor people. Poverty and starvation may hold allure to these cretins from the greener side due to overwhelmingly masochistic personality traits, or perhaps they’ve just been tricked into thinking that being poor is cool.
While we are uncertain of the rationale behind this recent trend among celebrities, we know that these hipsters now need free handouts more than ever.
Written By Nicole Benson