It seemed just a coincidence in Express Yourself, when American Idiot-era Green Day was playing. Then it was irritating to walk into Archie’s to hear Nickelback (all eras sound the same). By the third establishment, when Willa Ford’s “I Wanna Be Bad” was blasting, it was starting to hit local music critic/lead singer of the Dirty Slores, Robbie Grooveplate, that this was no coincidence.
Grooveplate tried numerous times to write off the pervasiveness of shitty music throughout Bushwick as nothing more than chance–a bout of auditory misfortune. But when his fellow bandmate, Svetlana Danse, pointed out that the same thing had been happening to her at bars like Three Diamond Door (which usually just plays Fleetwood Mac on a loop) and Bossa Nova (which usually plays music you’ve never heard before), The Burning Bush stepped in to investigate.
After trying to interview one of the more lax business owners in town, Ursula Mousse, owner of the fledgling image cake shop on Stanhope Street, Altered Imagez, The Burning Bush gleaned two things: 1) People who make image cakes are crazy and 2) They are never in league with others masterminding a secret diabolical plan. Thus, we talked to another source, who wanted to remain anonymous, naturally. He or she stated, “The motive behind the bad music conspiracy is designed to stamp out the last vestige of creativity in Bushwick. If you’re not listening to anything other than the generic tripe they play you, you’ll be more amenable to, say, a shopping mall opening up on Moore Street.”
The Burning Bush took a non-scientific, non-mathematical survey of how businesses playing good music have been faring. The result? Not too well. Places like Los Hermanos and Pasta Shop, which march to the tune of their own drum (see that music analogy there?), have been suffering a dip in regular customers. Could this mean the brainwashing is working? Stay tuned as The Burning Bush puts its life on the line for you to find out.
Written by Genna Rivieccio