Contaminated Pussy Outbreak Closes String of Local Bars

November 30, 2014 1 1268 Bars, News
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Surprisingly having nothing to do with ebola, a string of local bars has been shut down due to a contaminated pussy outbreak that is believed to have originated at Where before it closed several weeks back. The fact that most Bushwick sluts don’t wear underwear has been no help to quelling the epidemic.

One of the barstools that caused the outbreak

One of the barstools that caused the outbreak

One of the innocent prudes who has been a victim of getting her pussy contaminated, Laura Pope, a 33-year-old whose last sexual encounter was in 2008, practically bawled to The Burning Bush, “What is this neighborhood coming to if you can’t even sit in a bar and enjoy a drink as a sexual non-practitioner? I’m being punished for the sins of others, for fuck’s sake.” Pope, who suffered from itching, burning and redness, has quarantined herself in her apartment after shoplifting some Monistat 7, an all-purpose cure for vaginal whatever,  from the Walgreens off the Flushing stop.

Pope's vaginal area after sitting at Titty Tease

Pope’s vaginal area after sitting at Titty Tease

And it isn’t just Pope that’s come forward with reports of her ailing pussy. Others, like Bethany Butte, a 23-year-old who openly admits to her sluttery, confessed, “I think I rubbed my vag a little too lasciviously on one of the barstools at Old Stanley. Now I feel kind of guilty for helping to spread the problem.” The majority of bars in Bushwick, including Titty Tease, Betaville and Void, have been forced to shut down until their establishments have been completely sterilized. In the meantime, there’s always a drink to be had at the Tea Factory Lofts or the McKibbin, two buildings immune to the spreading of disease as they’re already unspeakably jank in the first place.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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