The war between Brooklyn and Queens continues to intensify as a recent rash of copper poisonings has been traced back to Ridgewood, specifically, one, Onderdonk & Sons. The remote bar, best known for taking someone there you don’t want to be seen with (à la Tomo), has been alleged to be the sole potential source for the rampant bout of side effects being diagnosed at Wyckoff Heights Medical Center.
Said side effects include vomiting, jaundice and “gastrointestinal distress” (though we all know your fucking roommate leaves shit stains in the toilette on the reg anyway). The number of patients reporting these symptoms has increased tenfold since Onderdonk and Sons started offering a happy hour specifically for Moscow mules from 6-8 p.m. every weekday.
The head investigator on the case, Inspector Badger, a 24-year-old often lovingly referred to as Baby Spice by several of his older white female colleagues, stated to The Burning Bush, “There is no ‘official’ evidence just yet, but all indications thus far point to none other than Badonkadonk & Sons–er, Onderdonk & Sons. Anyway, no other fucking bar serves Moscow mules. And we’re certainly not gonna point a finger at Precious Metal after all it has been through.” Side note: looking up Inspector Badger later on the internet, we found some telltale evidence of our own pointing to his fetish for black women with large backsides. In any case, lay off the Moscow mules, will you? This isn’t the 60s, try as Lana Del Rey and every other tiki bar in this town might to bring them back.
Written by Genna Rivieccio