Crunch Gym Delays Opening in Bushwick As Long As Possible Due to Not Wanting to Get Sued For Being Unable to Get Rid of Population’s Beer Gut

February 7, 2015 Comments Off on Crunch Gym Delays Opening in Bushwick As Long As Possible Due to Not Wanting to Get Sued For Being Unable to Get Rid of Population’s Beer Gut 1467 News
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For a very long time now, Crunch gym has been attempting to tantalize Bushwickians with discounted memberships assuring that the chain will open a location on Flushing Avenue. Reaping the benefits of the average Bushwickian’s desire to eradicate his beer gut, Crunch has failed to actually deliver on bringing the fitness realness to the neighborhood. While most of the gym scene thrives around the Flushing M stop with Planet Fitness, there’s a distinct lack of other choices in the vicinity.

The IHOP is conveniently located next to the unopened Crunch

The IHOP is conveniently located next to the unopened Crunch

Although the logo for Crunch is prominently displayed as though it’s open for business, there is no sign of an active pulse inside. The Burning Bush contacted Genae Truculent, the owner of the building who leased it out to Crunch. “Far as I know, they should be open by now, but I don’t ask questions ’cause they always pay the rent even though there’s nothing happening in there. I imagine they’ll have to open soon if they expect to afford what I’m charging…”

No treadmill sees the sweat on Flushing Avenue

No treadmill sees the sweat on Flushing Avenue

While most residents are impatient with the delay, many simply assume Crunch is making its interior as workout-friendly as possible. The real reason, however, is that the personal trainers at Crunch fear the impossibility of being able to tone a Bushwickian’s body, thus prompting a number of potential lawsuits for false advertising. One such nameless trainer stated, “Bushwick isn’t like other markets in New York. Here, people always give in to the temptations around them, which makes my job extremely difficult. How can I get rid of beer guts if they’ve all got an intravenous connection to the bar counter?” So, if that Crunch ever does open, try to help the people who work there–and yourself–by cutting back on your alcoholic tendencies.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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