In an attempt to save his friends the burden of pretending to care about the fanfare that would surround finding him dead in his apartment, local man Willem DeCae, a 29-year-old who worked at several Bushwick bars including Alaska (RIP), decided it would be best for all involved to simply die in the cemetery.
“I just wanted to let myself go in a way that would be as non-invasive as possible, you know? Why burden my so-called friends with the task of pretending to care–distracting them from their narcissism?” commented DeCae as he laid down to expire.
Services for DeCae will not be held anywhere, and you can make donations in his honor to no one. He would instead prefer that you go on as before, ignoring his existence and not inviting him to parties. He only asks that your reaction is as stoic and unmoved as possible, you selfish bastard.
Written by Genna Rivieccio