As if Variety wasn’t already a scary enough place to get coffee already (we’ve all been victims to shitting within five minutes of one sip), now the bold purveyor of potently caffeinated beverages is planning to take Death Wish Coffee under its wing. Or rather Death Wish Nitro, a mass marketed can of cold brew that has apparently been reported to contain a healthy dose of botulism.
When one of the longtime baristas at Variety, Duane Keade, a 34-year-old who is having an art show next week on the sidewalk near House of Maybe, was asked why the establishment would take such a huge risk on a drink that could potentially kill off most of their customers, he commented, “We’re following the Four Loko business model. People knew exactly what was in that and it only made the drink all the more appealing. There’s something sexy about potential death.”
There’s something to that logic, to be honest. A random polling of five passersby (five people is really all you can talk to in a single day) outside of Hana Natural found that four out of five people don’t mind taking a chance on dying if it means they have the potential to feel “like a hyper functional bumblebee on crack.” Because, you know, daily hangovers can really cause wear and tear at a Bushwickian’s productivity. Not to mention living itself.
Written by Genna Rivieccio