You’ve probably noticed the makeshift Christmas tree lot in front of Brooklyn’s Natural at this point in the month. With each passing day that draws closer to Christmas, it becomes more apparent that no one is going to claim these trees as their own–leaving them utterly vulnerable to Bushwick’s local dendrophiliacs.
A surprisingly large faction in the neighborhood, dendrophiliacs await this time of the year with bated breath, always ready to pounce on these unwanted Christmas trees. Eugene Treehumper, a 29-year old regular performer at Bushwick Starr, was not coy in his admission to The Burning Bush, “Sometimes I’ll just sit on that bench in front of Brooklyn’s Natural to take in the sight and smell of those trees. I wait until nobody’s looking–not even the tree seller–and I go up to the special one I’ve been eyeing most carefully to give it a good thrust.”
Of course, non-dendrophiliac Bushwickians haven’t been blind to this Christmas-time specific pandemic. One disgusted resident, Angela Judger, a 24-year-old barista at Kavé, lambasted, “I think they should all be rounded up and quarantined. They’re not right in the head. And I’m sure it’s ruining tree sales. No one wants to buy a Frasier that may or may not have been raped. It taints Christmas entirely. The problem has been brought to the attention of Rod Innoncente, the primary tree seller in front of Brooklyn’s Natural. “We’re taking immediate action to prevent these degenerates from having their way with the trees. Starting tomorrow, we’re putting up cages around them to ensure their sexual safety.” So pick up your non-abused tree while you still can–before they suffer another terrible fate: the chipper.
Written by Genna Rivieccio