A spot on the list of the world’s 50 greatest leaders just wasn’t enough for Detroit’s swaggering new mayor. Ike Muggan, who took office after running a campaign as the “turnaround specialist,” turned around late Saturday evening, mid-scrawl, to find himself surrounded by a battalion of cameras and microphones. The then-mayor had been affixing to the side of a derelict building his signature commandment/tag: “Move to Detroit.”
Asked why he was defacing public property, Muggan, who requested we use his street name, BNKRPT, slipped effortlessly into political rhetoric. “It’s all about repopulating, recreating, reiterationzing our our world-famous labor force in Detroit. The whole world’s watching: the time is now. I took the job as mayor of Motor City on the promise of easing access to healthcare and cheapening lunches for impoverished school kids. Lunch, sure does sound good. Roberta’s on me!” The local journalists and photographers in tow couldn’t resist BNKRPT’s offer, following the man to the world’s best pizza joint. Sometime later when probed for details, feeling sufficiently off-kilter from pounding multiple craft brews, the ex-mayor got surprisingly candid when one reporter asked: “So, why Bushwick?”
BNKRPT went blank, briefly, clearing his throat to speak in a low, gravelly register, one that we collectively assured him was off the record. “Detroit is blue collar central. So, well. So I have little interest in attracting these fashionista hypebeast trustafarian frat bros and hoes, who only have experience as baristas or messengers or financiers. Detroit is founded on manufacture and hard work, something that none of these hoodlums would or even could specialize in. They sure as hell got some good street art doe!” Banter ensued. After a night gorging on pizza, drugs and rentable women, the makeshift investigators (this writer included) decided not to alert authorities to BNKRPT’s dastardly doings. He’d won us over—and maybe, just maybe, we’ll move to Detroit.
Written by jaytoles