Swimsuit season is just around the corner, and no one wants to look like a fat fucking piece of shit as they lie in a bikini, basking in the hot summer sun on the sands of Rockaway Beach. However, if you want to maintain your image as a Bushwick socialite, then you need to consider the fact that you will probably have to drink your body weight in alcohol on an average Friday night. That, my friends, means a whole lot of calories.
With that said, the solution should be as clear as the gin and tonic in your hand: eat less, drink more, and if the night goes well enough, the evidence of your alcohol over-consumption will be spilt on the floor of your favorite Bushwick hotspot. That, or an iHop or something. Make no mistake, there are more rules to the equation that need to be followed if you want to achieve that waif-like, heroin-chic look by May. Rule number one, only drink straight liquor. If you’re pounding brews all night, then you might as well be stuffing a disgusting super-sized whopper into your over-indulgent, gluttonous fat face.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Rule number two, don’t forget to partake in the drug parties once the bars close. The more cocaine and molly, the better. Both of these drugs do wonders for eliminating your appetite and will hopefully help damage your self esteem after prolonged use. The combination of dwindling serotonin levels and increased self-loathing will only encourage continued low-calorie debauchery and thus enable you to maintain a worryingly frail physique.
Rule number three, remember that you are never good enough. Depression is key, and it looks good on you. Look at your five out of ten face in the mirror every morning and spit on the reflection of the beast staring back at you. Follow these three steps and all of the Bushwick folk will be fawning over your hot new look.
Written By: Nicole Benson
Photo Credits: Vice.com, faredfa18rabo.blogspot.com, thecaptainslog.org