Ebola Outbreak in Bushwick Traced to King Noodle

October 24, 2014 3 880 Local Business, News, Relationships, Restaurants

With the ebola virus in full terrorization mode in New York City, it was only a matter of time before someone in Bushwick was bound to get it. Considering people so rarely leave this nexus, the one person who did manage to spread her disease all over town contracted it from East Village resident Bartholomew Bat, an older gentleman she was fucking in order to get her rent paid for. 

Widespread panic as one travels from borough to borough

Widespread panic as one travels from borough to borough

Sadie Vein, the 22-year-old in question responsible for bringing the virus to Bushwick, was unaware that Bat had just returned from Sudan, where he was having an affair with another woman carrying the ebola virus. Upon returning, Bat ignored signs of vomiting and diarrhea, chocking them up to mere side effects of intravenous drug use. After returning from Bat’s apartment a few days ago, Vein began to experience similar symptoms, but carried out her plans to meet another lover at King Noodle.

Where it all "went down"

Where it all “went down”

In spite of her sickness, Vein was consumed by passion and had to have her other paramour in the midst of trying to finish her cold sesame noodles. Escorting him to the bathroom, a great place to have sex, Vein was unaware that her lust would cause the spreading of ebola throughout all of Bushwick. If you’re still alive and reading this, we recommend total asexuality for the foreseeable future in order to survive (an advisement that seems contrary to the entire human purpose, we know). 

Written by Genna Rivieccio