Empanada Man in Critical Condition After Scuffle at Local Bar

October 27, 2014 Comments Off on Empanada Man in Critical Condition After Scuffle at Local Bar 462 News
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You’ve heard the voice before. The abrupt, yet faintly mellifluous sound of the empanada man coming into the bar you’re getting drunk at and screaming, “Empanada, empanada.” No one ever actually buys an empanada or really even acknowledges the man’s existence. It’s unspoken that you’re just supposed to let him do his rounds under the false pretense of thinking he’s actually going to sell something. But last night at approximately 12:48 a.m., one local bartender did not abide by this tacit law of the Bushwick universe.

The site of the scuffle, started by local bartender, Jerry Mexicono

The site of the scuffle, started by local bartender, Jerry Mexicono

Jerry Mexicono, a newcomer to bartending and Bushwick, was working his second week at a bar that The Burning Bush is not at liberty to name due to its desire to remain unaffected by negative publicity (which is to say, they paid us off) when empanada man came strolling in at his usual lackadaisical pace–not a worry in the world–droning, “Empanada, empanada.” Mexicono was immediately irked by empanada man’s voice and general presence, motioning for him to leave. Empanada man ignored this motion and proceeded to the backyard area to attempt his sales pitch there. Furious with empanada man’s disobedience, Mexicono took a baseball bat from behind the bar, followed empanada man outside and gave him a swift wallop to the side of the head.

Empanada man had even recently gotten more legit by adding a price to the side of his cooler

Empanada man had even recently gotten more legit by adding a price to the side of his cooler

Empanada man fell to the ground on contact with the baseball bat and lay there unconscious for about an hour before anyone could remove themselves from their phone haze long enough to notice his suffering. He is currently in critical condition at Woodhull. The sympathy for his plight, however, has resulted in several parties within the community helping him raise money for an empanada stand so that he no longer feels the need to walk into bars with them. Mexicono was not fired for his actions, and could not be reached for comment. The Burning Bush recommends not pissing him off. Though we reckon this isn’t the last we’ll hear about Mexicono, especially if empanada man wakes up wanting revenge.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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