Everyone in Bushwick is Hiring Their Own Publicists

July 26, 2014 1 1045 Advertising, Hipster Commentary, News
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With the absence of places like Wreck Room to properly dispel the inner demons conjured during a strenuous work week, people of Bushwick have been forced to take to the streets in their tumultuous frenzies, plowing through bars with slightly higher standards of self composure in the process.

Behavior that was encouraged at Wreck Room is frowned upon in most other settings.

Behavior that was encouraged at Wreck Room is often frowned upon in most other settings.

For this we are witnessing increasing rates of public debauchery, providing the sweet gift of penitence come dawn, a woebegone sentiment which can only be suppressed by submerging oneself into the vicious cycle all over again. This paired with the blatant sense of self importance shared within the Bushwick community has equated to the dire need of publicists for a great chunk of it’s residents.

Lindsay Lohan, always in need of a publicist.

Lindsay Lohan, always in need of a publicist.

Unlike most people who have their own publicist, some of the Bushwickians equipped with publicists don’t even have an occupation noteworthy enough to necessitate one. Some don’t have an occupation at all. For instance, Doyle Diazepam, a jobless Bushwick nomad who can often be found sleeping on the bench in front of Brooklyn’s Natural, was caught on camera drunkenly attempting to perform fellatio on himself at about 5:45am on Thursday morning. Humiliated, Diazepam immediately hired a publicist named Eileen Backbone, who issued a press release on his behalf earlier this afternoon.

“The uncharacteristic behavior of my client has elicited as the result of a recent shift in prescription medication provided by his physician. Under no normal circumstances would Doyle Diazepam ever conduct himself this way. He is deeply apologetic for his actions and to anyone who may have been affected by them.”

Written by Nicole Benson

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