As you may have already heard (or felt) a reckless groper has been terrorizing the L train the past month with remarkable gusto. After a recent rampage on the L train near the Dekalb stop, The Burning Bush had a chance to catch up with the man who prefers to be called the only moniker people know him by: The L Train Groper.
The Burning Bush: There have been countless L train gropers in the past. What makes you think you’re so special?
The L Train Groper: I feel that there is more sincerity to my gropes. I’m not just doing it for the thrills, I’m honing in on a specific form, a specific aura. I’m not the type who just gropes anyone.
The Burning Bush: Are your gropes decidedly heterosexual?
The L Train Groper: (pausing to think) No.
The Burning Bush: What’s the craziest thing anyone’s done to remove themselves from your clutches?
The L Train Groper: Well, one woman once took her pants off and took a shit in my hand. But I think that opened up an entirely new fetish for me.
The Burning Bush: Why the L train?
The L Train Groper: L stands for love, doesn’t it?
The Burning Bush: Have you ever felt disgusted with yourself in terms of how far you’re willing to go with the breadth of your touch?
The L Train Groper: (touching himself, sobbing softly) I don’t know. How could someone not want to be touched? I was never touched as a child, so… (sobbing becomes more pronounced) I just don’t understand how someone else would not want to be.
It became clear to The Burning Bush during the interview that The L Train Groper isn’t a bad person, necessarily, he’s just never been given access to the psychiatric care he needs to address what’s really behind those urgent gropes. If you wish to donate money to help him see a Dr. Melfi type, please send all charitable donations via PayPal to email@example.com. We can help The L Train Groper keep his hands to himself by helping him give his thoughts to another.
Written by Genna Rivieccio