As if the problems of another beloved summer holiday, Labor Day, weren’t bad enough last year, now Bushwickians must contend with the uncooperativeness of the sun and the ocean during Memorial Day. In an exclusive interview with both, we uncovered that both parties hate Bushwick and are deliberately going to be as weak as possible through Monday in order to fuck with the neighborhood’s easily foiled happiness.
The Burning Bush: Are you guys planning to come out this weekend?
Sun: I’m going to be as faint as a Victorian woman.
Atlantic Ocean: I’m barely going to touch the shoreline. I really can’t be bothered. Especially since most Bushwickians don’t bathe and they get all their ratchetness in my water.
The Burning Bush: What about other non-Bushwickians counting on you to come out this weekend?
Sun: Fuck them.
Atlantic Ocean: Truth be told, everyone who comes to Rockaway is dirty and disgusts me.
The Burning Bush: What will you be doing this Memorial Day instead of giving the people what they want?
Sun: I’m probably just gonna give a few cops some skin cancer.
Atlantic Ocean: Maybe be too shallow for some whales.
The Burning Bush: Will you plan to give it 100% once Memorial Day is over?
Sun: It’s very draining for me to burn brightly. I’m very old, you know. We’ll see how it goes.
Atlantic Ocean: I like to splash around, so yeah, I’ll probably be at 100% by July. But only in the Hamptons.
Written by Genna Rivieccio, who risked life & limb to talk to these entities