Just when you thought Bushwick was a hipster haven geared toward catering to their every health-conscious need (save for on the alcoholic front), a startling Yelp exposé by local food critic Martha Plumpton, a 41-year-old with a notorious reputation for gustatorial fastidiousness, has been collecting evidence for months that proves restaurants like Champs Diner are actually just serving gluten-filled fare.
That bread you’ve been chomping on? Packed with gluten. That whiskey? Chock fucking full of it. This whole time, while you’ve been deceiving yourself into believing that you’re a beacon of health, you’ve been stuffing your face with the accoutrements of death. And Plumpton has the photo evidence to prove it.
“As a food critic, people go out of their way to please me. They want that five-star Yelp review that only I can give them. So it’s no wonder that every person I asked let me into the kitchen (already an automatic health code violation). It is here I took clandestine photos of their food making process, during which blatant uses of gluten were rampant,” beamed Plumpton. Exposed restaurants include Fitzcarraldo (though so few people go there now thanks to 4th Ward), Little Skip’s, Roberta’s and, of course, Champs Diner. With such far-reaching gastronomical betrayal, will Bushwickians ever trust their tastebuds again?
Written by Genna Rivieccio