“Fatwick”: Instant Collective Weight Gain as Winter Approaches

October 19, 2014 3 617 News
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In addition to the frenzied coupling that takes place in Bushwick during the fall and winter, so too, does a collective weight gain that no one ever seems to see coming. One minute everyone’s walking around fit as a fiddle, the next beer guts are spilling out of sweaters and asses are bursting out of pants (though they kind of already are anyway if you’re a Bushwick slut). 

Arthur Plumpe, a victim of winter weight gain in Bushwick

Arthur Plumpe, a victim of winter weight gain in Bushwick

Tags like “DIET” or “Looz W8” have started cropping up in the neighborhood as a not so gentle reminder for Bushwickians to watch out for those pounds that seem to be attacking even the thinnest of people’s bodies. As The Burning Bush’s own Wicked Bitch of Bushwick has previously cautioned, giving in to the temptations of various delectable foodstuffs in the area, including Mama Roberta’s, Dear Bushwick and Hops & Hocks, is only going to land you holed up in your apartment for the entirety of winter because of how embarrassing your fat is.

One of many tags urging Fatwickians to check themselves before they wreck themselves

One of many tags urging Fatwickians to check themselves before they wreck themselves

Local web designer Arthur Plumpe, told The Burning Bush, “I thank God every day that I work from home so no one can look at me and judge me for how much I’ve let myself go. All I do is order from the McDonald’s off Montrose and stew in my own filth. What else can you expect when it’s winter and shlepping to the bar sounds less than desirable?” Invest in some goddamn dumbbells, that’s what. If you’re going to conceal yourself inside, you might as well workout privately so no one can see your rolls jiggle.

Written by Genna Rivieccio, fat-fearer

 

 

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