If you’ve ever encountered a Floridian in Bushwick, you know they’re the ultimate hucksters–kind of like our version of leprechauns leading you to a false pot of gold. They’re liable to tell you anything to make a fast dollar or get a quick blow j and/or pussy lick. Those more trusting fresh-off-the-boaters or New York Loft Hostel stayers are far too naive to fully understand what these panhandle state folk are capable of. That’s why the leader of a recent real estate Ponzi scheme was, naturally, a former resident of Sarasota (which, lest we forget, is where Paul Reubens was arrested for public masturbation).
Marlow Inbred, a 29-year-old ex-convict whose rap sheet includes, among other things, assaulting Cinderella at Disney World, was busted by local police after an innocent transplant from Weed, California, Haze Redwood, thought it would be a good idea to invest in one of the Florida properties Inbred has been advertising. After Redwood put down a five-thousand dollar cash deposit (Californians are so trusting) and didn’t hear from Inbred for three days (the number he called was traced to a phone bought from the Family Dollar near Willoughby Avenue), he reported the incident to the police. Others like Redwood have been coming forward shamefully after hearing news of Inbred’s criminal activities. If you have any information regarding Inbred’s whereabouts, please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Written by Genna Rivieccio