All the hood’s horses and all the hood’s men couldn’t steal enough Foot Locker merchandise to make back even ten. A plan to hijack $2,000 worth of merchandise from the chain’s location on the corner of Flushing Avenue and Broadway and re-sell it to hipsters for an inflated price has proven completely useless.
“I guess we done fucked up. We wasn’t thankin’ bout hipster taste when we stole dis shit. And when we tried to keep it fo ourselves, the police done found us,” stated Lavawn Vonte’, one of the six men responsible for the heist, which took place last week. But with the average age of each thief being seventeen years old, no one’s going to prison for their attempt to appeal to the hipster black market just yet.
“I was approached by one of the robbers on the street; it was when I was coming out of Lone Wolf. He asked me if I wanted to buy a pair of Nikes for $300. I laughed in his face,” said Nora Hippay, a 24-year-old from Portland. “I know Nike employs everyone in Portland, but that doesn’t mean I want to sacrifice my style to support an evil empire,” she concluded. The suspects are currently in holding at the 83rd Precinct and will be sentenced on Monday.
Written by Genna Rivieccio