Foreign Relations: More Bushwickians Going Home With People They Think Have an Apartment, But Are Actually Just Staying on Someone’s Couch While Visiting

October 6, 2014 1 639 Immigration, News
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Surely, you’ve experienced the horror at some point in your Bushwick sexual history: Going home with someone who seems charmingly foreign at the bar, but who you later find out is actually foreign when they take you back to “their house” a.k.a. the couch they’ve been crashing on while in the United States. It can be quite jarring, especially when you don’t want to be sobered for your impending encounter.

Austrian man post-coitus

Austrian man post-coitus

As The Burning Bush has previously reported, many Europeans have infiltrated the neighborhood, but the boon has been particularly high of late for vacationers capitalizing on cheap, off-season airfare. Thus, many Bushwickians are duped into believing that the people they meet in bars (like Hail Hail) have a real place to live. One such victim of the surprise, Rhonda Drunkard, a 27-year-old who does freelance graphic design for Kind Bar, thought she had found a pretty great catch for the evening. Barnaby Landis, an Englishman with undeniable allure, caught Drunkard’s eye at Forrest Point two nights ago.

Drunkard was shocked to find Landis offer her this jank blanket after they were finished canoodling

Drunkard was shocked to find Landis offer her this jank blanket after they were finished canoodling

“He seemed super rich, like he was buying me all these drinks and eggplant sandwiches, so I just assumed he would have a really sick apartment,” Drunkard confided to The Burning Bush. But lo and behold, after Landis got them an Uber to go back to the depths of the Myrtle-Wyckoff area, Drunkard was shocked to find not only a standard shitty apartment, but also Landis removing his clothes on the couch, because it was his bed for the night.

The true tenant of the apartment, Shawn Trust, was mortified by the situation

The true tenant of the apartment, Shawn Trust, was mortified by the situation

Drunkard’s chagrin was only matched by the true tenant of the apartment, Shawn Trust, a 25-year-old who was just trying to help a friend out by giving him a place to crash. “I met him while I was studying Classic Literature in London. He seemed so proper, like he would never do something so crass.” Drunkard went through with the sexual act, only becasue she had already come this far, and to go back home now would be far too involved. But in the harsh light of the morning, she made a solemn vow to herself: “Never again will I go home with anyone who has even the faintest trace of an accent.”

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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