God Is An Apartment Building

June 18, 2014 4 1569 News, Real Estate

In Bushwick, the only thing less chic than religion is a non-normcore ensemble. I suppose that’s why the latest real estate trend has been to buy abandoned churches and turn them into condos. Once again, Bushwick proves itself to be even less moralistic than old school Willamsburg. At least their condos were built fresh.

This ain't gonna be St. Marks Lutheran no more

This ain’t gonna be St. Marks Lutheran no more

While maintaining the look and “general shape” of these spired buildings, most developers are all too happy to nip and tuck wherever necessary. Although some architects have been struggling with increased spirit hauntings, most of them are able to ignore it for the extra pocket change. One developer, Martin Soulless, told The Burning Bush, “There is no god. What the fuck do I care about re-purposing a church for something people will actually use?”

Hallowed ground is so 20th century

Hallowed ground is so 20th century

In spite of gutting most of these timeless glimpses into the past/reminders that people were once spiritual, most of the condos will have shticky amenities that pay homage to the church concept–like stained glass windows, church pew living room seating and bible verses etched into exposed brick walls. What if God was one of us? He’d probably be trampling you over to get in line for the first available condo. Come all ye faithful.

Written by Genna Rivieccio