Guillotine Suicides on the Rise in Bushwick

June 27, 2014 1 2603 News
Share!

The only “cool” suicide in Bushwick? An esoteric one. A spike in the number of self-inflicted deaths in the neighborhood has one thing in common: It’s all stemming from a guillotine recently discovered at a Waste Management landfill on Varick Avenue. 

Re-enactment of guillotine suicide

Re-enactment of guillotine suicide

The first person to discover it, Saddand Depress, was also the first person to die by its slice. Friends of Saddand spoke to The Burning Bush about the unexpected legacy he’s left behind. His roommate, Myra Elation, said, “I was always really unhappy when I was around him. I wanted to help him but I didn’t know how. Now I see that death was his only source of comfort. And he’s made a difference by giving that opportunity to others who feel the same way, and want to die with hipster dignity.”

The arcane nature of dying by the guillotine in the 21st century is super appealing to suicidal hipsters

The arcane nature of dying by the guillotine in the 21st century is super appealing to suicidal hipsters

Concerned members of the community are rallying against Waste Management to remove the guillotine from the landfill so that this problem does not persist, however, the representative at the location insisted, “We can’t just ‘get rid of it.’ There’s a procedure to follow. And we’re still waiting to hear back from the Met to see if they might want to buy it from us.” And so, as long as the guillotine remains, so too, will the steady suicide rate. It’s going to be one putrid summer for those who live near the landfill.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

One Comment