Who in Bushwick hasn’t woken up at least three times a weekday with a major hangover? Thus, who better than a Bushwickian to create a new remedy for your post-binge drinking ills? Even though other so-called “hangover cures” like Blowfish are supposed to help you with your physical pain, a new alcoholic’s panacea called Hangover Helper™® does what no other medicine has done before: ameliorate the emotional pain from the night before in addition to the physical.
Incepted and created in Bushwick by Terry Tenasuhtee, a 36-year-old who has been successfully binge drinking and waking up functionally for the past five years of living in the neighborhood, Hangover Helper™® received funding from Bushdicks ringleader Surly Ritch after the Englishman tried the sample product for himself in the wake of a night he would have preferred to forget.
“I awoke with this almost Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind effect. I had no memory of the fool I had made of myself the night before once I popped a dose of Hangover Helper™®. I even think some of my herpes cleared up a bit too. Obviously, I knew this was a sound investment–especially with the slut shame so many women feel upon opening their eyes in the light of a one-night stand’s room.” So what is Terry Tenasuhtee’s secret ingredient? “To quote Brittany Murphy (RIP), ‘I’ll never tell.’ But there is definitely trace amounts of Hamburger Helper in there for physical fortification.” The product is expected to go into mass production next week, and is likely to be sold at such Bushwick outposts as Hana Natural, Brooklyn’s Natural, L-Mo’s and Khim’s Millennium Market. International distribution plans are also in the works.
Written by Genna Rivieccio