Have you found yourself the recent victim of an abrupt and swift plucking of your winter hat or beanie from your head as you sit innocently at your favorite local bar? You aren’t alone. A rash of hat snatchings has prompted the police precincts in Bushwick to up their surveillance in those Flushing Meats trucks that you see everywhere all the time.
From what they can gauge thus far, the thief is a white male somewhere in his late twenties or early thirties, whose motive seems to be driven by the appetitive hipster lust for accumulating as many hats as possible. “Why can’t this asshole just go to the store and buy his own fucking hats?!” exclaimed one victim, Dylan Cabeza, a 28-year-old whose gray beanie was ripped from his head as he drank serenely from a glass of light beer at Bonus Room last night.
“The thief seems to express no discretion or discernment with regard to what he takes,” commented the lead investigator on the case, Martin Chapeau, a 41-year-old who lives off the Wilson L. “It would appear that he has no real need for these hats, but is perhaps getting off on the shock and sense of loss it is causing to others completely trusting of a society where it is believed you can go out into the world and keep your hat on without it being taken at any second. We’re continuing to maintain vigilance until this pervert is caught. But in the meantime, we recommend using bobby pins, glue or industrial tape to keep your hat on. It would really take him by surprise if he grabbed one and it didn’t come off. It might cause him to slip up long enough for us to apprehend this monster.” If you have any tips about who this psychotic presence in our neighborhood is, email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Written by Genna Rivieccio