Spike In Bushwick Breakups Due To Sunny Weather

May 26, 2015 Comments Off on Spike In Bushwick Breakups Due To Sunny Weather 535 bushwick, Hipster Commentary, News, Relationships, Sexuality

In the past month, the Bushwick breakup rate has spiked to a significant degree. Many speculate that this is the direct result of the sun’s intensifying brightness, which may have people questioning their partner’s fuckability.

"Something just isn't adding up..."

“Something just isn’t adding up like it used to…”

In an act of desperation and overall unwillingness to persevere the coming winter alone, many Bushwick folk began frantically coupling up last fall, thus allowing their usual standards to diminish. But now that the sun is beaming with possibilities, people are growing reluctant to allow their average looking significant others to get in the way of their good time.  Newly single Bushwick man, Chad Singleton, says that he finally dumped his 6 out of 10 last week. “Yeah, Mary made me happy when skies were gray and all, but I’m beginning to realize that that’s the only time that she was capable of satisfying my needs. I had the initial realization that things weren’t going to work out one morning a few weeks ago when we were boning. That was the first moment during our seven month relationship that I noticed the severity of her cellulite, among other things. She’s a nice girl, but I feel that I owe it to myself to start playing the field this summer and see if I can find someone better. But hey, who knows? If we’re both single by the end of September, maybe I’ll give it another shot.”

Bushwick bachelor, Chad Singleton.

Bushwick bachelor, Chad Singleton.

And as we fade in and out of complacency, the repetitious cycle persists…

Written by Nicole Benson

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