When reminiscing about mischief nights in years long past, one may grow nostalgic of the juvenile misconduct in which they used to partake. This mostly included the usual late October antics, such as egging and toilet papering your neighbor’s home or car, stealing Mrs. Binkley’s black cat, rearranging lawn ordainments, ect. You and your friends would laugh as you looked out the window the following morning to see the asshole patriarch of the family across the street completely lose his shit as he realized his new paint job had been destroyed. For this, there was a justifiable amount of eye-rolling when word began to spread regarding certain plans for Mischief Night 2014 in Bushwick.
“We just want to do something fun, safe, and silly! We don’t want to upset anyone.” Dorothy Higgins of Bushwick says that she and a group of about twenty-five friends plan to run into the Evergreens Cemetery at the stroke of 11:00pm tonight, October 30th, and stab several forks into the soil. When asked why they had chosen execute their sorry ass mission at 11pm, Higgins responded, “there were talks of doing it at midnight, but we all agreed that it would simply be far too late into the evening.” Higgins says that they also wish to avoid stabbing the forks too close the actual graves, further stifling any semblance of spookiness (and really anything Halloween related) to their plan.
We spoke with local gang-banger and new leader of the Psycho Cyclists, Wally Wallop, who didn’t hesitate to express his abhorrence towards Dorothy Higgins’ “dumb fucking dog and pony show.”
“These new age Bushwick hipsters are so vanilla it makes my skin crawl! Stabbing forks nearby graves before bedtime?! Where did you get that idea from, Bushwick Daily?!” Wallop scowled. He continued, detailing how he would begin his night by revealing himself to unsuspecting passengers on the L train, get off at the Halsey stop, and show up at the Evergreen Cemetery before the scheduled display, giving himself enough time to exhume a human body from it’s grave so that Higgins and her friends can witness him having sex with the corpse when they arrive. A grisly sight which would surely ruin their fun night out.
While having intercourse with dead bodies to prove a point may be slightly too excessive, we can’t help but admit that Dorothy Higgins’ vacuous plan for a Mischief Night prank is a piteous reflection of Bushwick’s steady decline.
Written by Nicole Benson