This season, the mark of someone truly fashionable is not the kind of mark you can see–unless of course you choose to wear a scarlet word tee that says HPV. Less commonly referred to as human papillomavirus (yes, all one word), this must-have accessory is guaranteed to make you the talk of the town.
The best way to get HPV is to have sex with, well, anyone in Bushwick really. Condoms are not recommended, and generally can’t be found anyway–especially if you’re boning someone staying at New York Loft Hostel. Even though anyone can have HPV–and usually does–the best way to set yourself apart is to contract the rarest form of the disease, called Bush PV. So far, only one person in the neighborhood, Jizzelle Randolph, a 23-year-old from Sarasota Springs, has managed to find a way to get her vag to tote this too exclusive accessory.
Randolph proudly touted her accomplishment to The Burning Bush, noting that the primary secret to her success was “sleeping with people in all the worst bathrooms to fuck in.” So, if you’re feeling ambitious this season, take a page from Jizzelle’s kama sutra.
Written by Genna Rivieccio