To kick off February, Bushwick has seen more snow than ever–even more than the sneeze that was Winter Storm Juno. This time they’re trying to call it Snow Storm Linus, which is actually kind of intimidating because, as we all know, the bitchier the name, the worse the aftermath tends to be (basing this solely on Sandy, of course).
So unaccustomed to truly massive amounts of snowfall are Bushwickians that they actually thought the hefty quantity of snow on the ground was, you guessed it, cocaine. One denizen, who asked to remain anonymous, noted, “I haven’t had access to this much coke since Wreck Room. But then when I snorted it I got a major brain freeze. That’s when I realized it was snow.”
Numerous other Bushwickians also suffered the same consequences as a result of their overpowering lust for free drugs. Three reported closed up nostrils from the freeze (which might be a blessing in disguise with all those damn dogs on the loose), while seven others had to be hospitalized for severe brain damage at Woodhull (Bushwick’s brain damage capital). If you see snow on the ground, please, do not assume it’s cocaine. You’ll have to reconcile actually paying for your drugs like a proper Bushdick.
Written by Genna Rivieccio