In the MTA’s continued and ceaseless attempts to placate the New York masses, a recent announcement about increased service along the L and M train lines has prompted jubilance among Bushwick commuters. Alas, rejoicing denizens are about to be rudely awakened by the true reality of “extended service.”
The president of the Committee for Helping Bushwickians Occasionally Leave the Neighborhood, Mary Valyooleez, a 45-year-old Park Slope inhabitant formerly serving on the board of General Motors back in the 90s (will the Detroit connections never end?), confided to The Burning Bush, “The truth is, this is just a ploy by the MTA to make it look like they’re actually doing something to shuttle bodies more efficiently across boroughs.I apologize to any Jewish people if the aforementioned analogy was too evocative of a boxcar.”
An insider and former conductor of the MTA, who naturally wanted to remain anonymous, added, “Sure, there’ll be more trains, But you’re also going to hear a lot more of: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because of train traffic ahead of us. We apologize for any inconvenience.’ And, as you already know, nothing pisses off commuters more than this generic statement. It could really aggravate tensions and promote violence.” So while you may have initially been breathing a sigh of relief about less crowded trains and more minimal wait times, The Burning Bush is here to inform you that you’ve been Punk’d.
Written by Genna Rivieccio